Here in the Kirklin house we tend to live our lives around the school year calendar.   I don’t know if that’s because of being married to a teacher or having served in our church for so long and that seems to be when the “ministry” year starts.  

We are gearing up for the year to begin.   I think we can say that it officially begins tomorrow.   I need to be up bright and early because the boys that I’m babysitting this year (for Ben’s teacher last year) are set to arrive at 7:30!   This is something that is a little new for all of us.  The boys are 3 and 1.   They are wonderfully behaved boys, but the issue I’m having is my daughter doesn’t seem to like having one so close to her age around.   She doesn’t like sharing her momma!

On Tuesday we are going to do a bit of schooling.  We’ve had about a four week break this last month and it’s time to get back to it.  We officially start school on the 24th.    Benjamin is getting use to the idea that mom is going to be his teacher.  Becca is totally on board and is excited to learn anything she can.  

This week Walter will hopefully be putting the finishing touch on his resume and cover letter and be sending it off to a few churches.  There are a few churches that have caught our eye, now we just have to see if Walter catches their eye.  

Ministry-wise we are gearing up to continue to host our small group on Thursday nights.   We love our small group, it’s an eclectic group of people.   An older couple and then two single guys and then Walter and I.  But we all have one thing in common and that’s to learn more about the Lord.   We are hoping to expand the group a bit.   We also might start leading the college group at church.  

With homeschooling, doing daycare, soccer for both kids, AWANA and possibly a homeschool co-op group, scouts and piano lessongs for Ben we have a full plate.  But I know that God is in control and in charge.    And with that I can fully say….. Let the year begin, because HE who is in charge knows how it will end!

Tomorrow you turn four.  I know I say this every year but I don’t know how it’s going by so fast.   It seems like just yesterday you were placed in my arms.  A beautiful newborn.  I remember asking Grandma to go and get me a pink night gown for you since you looked so much like your brother.  But I think right away I knew that you were going to be different, you were going to change my heart and my life in wonderful ways.  

My dearest Becca, it took me a little bit longer to fall in love with you than I thought.  I think part of that was because of the miscarriage we had between you and your brother.  I was scared.  In fact I was so scared that I was going to loose you I didn’t take the time to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy with you.  I was scared when I found out that you were a girl.  Not being a “girly-girl” myself I didn’t know what to do with you.   I was actually a little disappointed that you weren’t a boy during that first ultrasound.

Please, my little Princess, don’t think that this confession means that I don’t love you or that I love your brother more.   Nothing could be farther from the truth.   Your daddy taught me that I was worth loving, your brother taught me the extreem love of a mother and a child, but my dear one, you helped me learn how to love myself, the person that God created.  I would say that the lesson you taught me is most important.  

Rebecca, sweetheart, you are a wonder.   You  bring laughter to our family with your sense of humor.  I love when you tell your favorite joke.   Your little voice asking  “Why don’t bears where pants?”   and you wait for us to ask “Why?”  And then you shout with joy “Because they have bare butts….get it”  and then you just laugh and laugh and laugh.    You also bring a softness, a gentleness to out family that we didn’t have before.  Just by being a girl your brother and daddy are a little less rough and a little more tender hearted than before. 

Becca you are a princess.   You tell us often enough.   When trying to get you to wear pants you will tell me “Princesses only where dresses”.   And when asked who the king is you will tell us that “Jesus is the King and I’m his princess”   your Gigi book has made an impact on you, but you also know it’s truth. 

As I sit here, thinking that exactly 4 years ago I had no clue how my life was going to change the next morning, but oh so grateful that my life did change.   You fill my heart with so many emotions.  You make me joyous when I see you learn and watch your zest for life.  You can also frustrate me, with your will that at times unbendable.   But I know that will serve you well in the future.   You are definately not a follower in life.  You are a leader.   You grab the car of life by the steering wheel and just go for it.

My child, I love you.  I’m so glad that you are my daughter.   Remember that as you grow older.   No matter what, be secure in the fact that I love you so much it hurts.

Before I was married and had children I thought it would be wonderful to be a stay-at-home  homeschooling mom.   Then I got married and had kids, dealt with depression and a few other things.   Basically I came to find out that my previously perceived ideas about the future were not my reality at that time.   I decided that I didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom mom because I wasn’t really enjoying my children and that functioning in life was all I could handle at the time.   The shadows of depression colored so many areas of my life and I felt like I was just surviving instead of living.  If asked about the possibility of homeschooling I would just say “There aren’t enough drugs to make me want to do that.”  Even though pre-kids that was all I was going to do. 

After saying “never” to homeschooling after having kids we are now going to take the plunge and homeschool Ben next year.   There are many reasons why we are doing it and the funny thing is that none of the reasons are the reasons I had PK (pre-kids).  We are doing this now because they are increasing class size in the school district.   Benjamin is your average middle of the road student.  He’s a smart boy (what mother wouldn’t say that), but he’s also a tad bit lazy.  If not pushed he won’t do the work or he does it with just minimal effort.  I’m afraid that he will get lost in a room full of 30 students.  Another reason for homeschooling this coming year is that in the next year or two we feel like we are being led to move into full time ministry (meaning Walter wants to be a pastor somewhere).   More than likely that means a move.   Jobs just don’t open up when the school year ends and  since I remember the many moves my family made in my child hood and the stress of  changing schools and the uncertainty that it caused me we decided that as many things as possible should remain the same as we take this next step in our lives.  One of those things can be homeschooling.

The reasons PK – sheltering them from the “world”, teaching them our values instead of others, it would make me a good “Christian” mom are not even our reasons for making this choice right now.   While I’m sure that my kids will be a little bit more sheltered by not being at school, there still is TV, Walmart, kids in sports and even kids at AWANA and church that my kids will be influenced by.   But I’m hoping by us being together more hours in the day that we can discuss and process things together.   I will admit that I am glad that Walter and I get to choose the curriculum that we will be using.  By nature of who we are we will most likely be teaching more conservative ideas than he would necessarily get in public school.   During school time we  probably will be listening to Rush, Hannity and Beck on the radio and in my opinion that’s not really a bad thing.   I’ve totally come to realize that being a good Christian mom isn’t about homeschooling or not.  It’s all about following what I feel like God is wanting me to do.  It’s living my life daily dying to self and trying to live for Him.

So while we are taking this leap of faith and following what we feel like the Lord wants us to do at this time it’s still scary.  I’m scared I’m not smart enough to do this, I’m scared that my perfectionist tendencies will take over and leave me incapable of moving forward.   But we have a plan, a great curriculum and a great support from people we know. 

Stick around and follow us on this journey and as we try to live life more and more within God’s Grace.

I have been treated for depression now for about 5 years.  During the last 5 years there are times when it is great and times when it’s not so great.   We have been fortunate that for the last couple of years things have been held in check.   I take daily medication and when we feel it is needed also do therapy along with it.  I use the term “we” because it is something that effects the whole family.   Walter is my support and strength in dealing with it.  He’s the one I can go to and ask how I’m doing.

For the last few months I’ve noticed that I haven’t been doing that well.  At first I noticed that the week before “that time” I had wicked mood swings, I was jumpier than normal and basically a little short with people.  I was thinking that maybe it was just my body adjusting to the rapid weight loss that has occurred over the last 4 months.   But in the back of my mind I’ve known that something isn’t right.  Now it’s just all the time I’ve been feeling this way.

It all really came to a head this weekend.  First I’m super tired.  Friday I came home from work and slept for a few hours.   I haven’t taken a nap in months because my energy levels have been so high.   I also noticed that day that I was super short with the kids (and husband).

Saturday wasn’t much better, actually in the morning it was horrible.  Becca and I had a Mother/Daughter Tea to go to at church in the afternoon.   Becca was so excited and in her 3 1/2 year old way just wanted to talk about it, and talk about it and talk about it.  Every 15 minutes it seemed she was asking if it was time to go.   I was quickly loosing my patience with her and Walter and Ben had left to go to a Men’s Breakfast at church.   It was all I could do to keep it together and not emotionally explode all over my daughter.   If you don’t suffer from depression that might be hard for you to understand. 

After a short nap for both Becca and I we went to the Tea.  It was a wonderful time and I’m so glad that we were able to go.   I want her to remember those times, not the times where mommy wasn’t feeling the best.

Walter and I had a long talk, while a few weeks ago we felt that it might just be best to do some “talk” therapy, we now realize that I need to go to the Dr.   Maybe with my surgery my medication isn’t absorbing quite the same way.  I don’t know and that will be the Dr’s job to figure that out.   All I know is that I need help now.

I was trying to explain to Walter what it feels like, my depression.   I explained that when it’s flaring up, like it is now, that it feels like all my nerves are exposed.   Another analogy that I came up with is that it’s like when you drop something on your toe or hit your finger with a hammer – all you can think about is the throbbing.   All I can think about right now is the rawness that I feel.  I also notice that I loose interest in outside activities.   Where I usually enjoy going to work, all I want to do is escape and read or sew.  That’s not fair to the two beautiful children that I have and the great husband who loves me unconditionally. 

So for my family (and myself – because I’m worth it!) I will call the Dr tomorrow and get in ASAP.  We will talk it out and try to find the best solution.   I’ll also call my counselor tomorrow and make an appointment.   He’s a wonderful Christian man who has great insight.   I’m going to hit this with everything I have because weekends like this are no fun and I don’t want my kids having more memories of the depressed times than of the good times.

***Edited to say:  This isn’t an issue about what’s for breakfast, my issue with my daughter is always saying “But I…..”  and talking  back.   I would have given her cereal no problem, it was the tone and attitude in which she addressed me first.   I guess if you weren’t there you wouldn’t have known that.

Scene at breakfast:  I’m setting down beautiful plates of scrabled eggs with salsa and cheese.  A crowd favorite at our house.

Becca:  I don’t want this, I want Coco Puffs.

Me:  Tough luck, this is what you are having.

Becca:  But I…….

Me:  Go to your room and sit, I don’t want to hear “But I’s.”

Becca:   That’s ok, I want to go sit on my bed.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I bring my daughter to you.   She has such a strong will.  I see so much potential in her.  I know she has the strength and the will power to do anything she sets her mind to.   Help me to be the best mommy to her, bringing around a changed heart, one not of just obedience, but one because she trust me (and You) to follow what we say.   Let me know which battles to pick and the ones to let go of.   Help me not to provoke or frustrate her on purpose, but to do everything to help her become the girl (and one day woman) you want her to be.